As I have been adjusting to different circumstances and environments, there is many things I feel I can no longer express. I see little places to turn when I need to sort something out. Monsta X was my favorite (and I still consider it to be) kpop group. But one day I woke up to the news of one of the sweetest people alive being accused of things that I knew couldn’t be true. It wasn’t due to me being a fan or anything like that. This was based on my gut feeling and the basic information about the accusers.
I do not need to rehash all of what happened since most that are fans know what happened. He left and Monbebe banded together to fight for his return. As days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, it may have seemed hopeless. For me, I spent the first couple of weeks highly upset. I had felt that this group of seven guys were like another family to me. Seeing the 6 perform the day Wonho made his announcement makes me cry to this day, almost 7 months later. Nevertheless, around mid-December into January I had a sense of peace that I couldn’t explain. I knew he would be back.
As time would only tell, I stayed on Twitter to assist those needing some joy and kept pushing for justice. When Monbebe finally heard news, we were told that he had been cleared of all drug charges. I was sitting at work waiting to clock out and immediately started crying. It seemed as though the fight would be over and he could come home, but that was not the case.
Not much later, it was announced that he was going to become a solo artists under a sub-label of the same company. This made me hurt to a point where I couldn’t explain to others, let alone myself. I felt the pain I would feel in their position, from the view of an empath. I could feel the sadness of him being cleared but still being told that he can’t rejoin the group.
The worst part about this all, is that I can’t watch them without feeling sadness in my heart. They don’t “look right” as 6 members and I feel awful for not fully supporting them with their new comeback. For me it is hard to battle between wanting to support them so much and the pain I still feel when I see them as six. I still believe they are meant to be a 7 member group that formed from a survival show that was intense. They were hand-picked as the best and the idea that they have grown together as a family is also a big part of my opinion.
It hurts to know they aren’t all together, but I felt a bit better when I started to form bonds with other Monbebe through Twitter in a way that I hadn’t before. It was a chance to meet others that loved Monsta X as much I do. It was incredible that we could lean on each other for support and give each other encouragement.
With the fresh comeback, I feel as though I have betrayed them once again. But truly it was because I needed time to remember these are my feelings on the situation, not theirs.
I will be trying my best to give this comeback as much love as others, but I know there will always be a place in my heart for all seven together.
Journey to Kpop Fandom 